...patience. [or my lack thereof]

not that i don't aspire for that opposite;
on the contrary
i anticipate the day in which it can be said that
kailee
is a patient woman.

but alas, today is not that day,
and i struggle--
like, wrestle to the ground and fight until i can't anymore struggle--
with patience.

instead, i more often find myself consumed in anxiety
until it becomes difficult to function.

i don't like not knowing things.
i like knowing the answers.
directions.
i adore things that are logical, precise
and fall into their respective little boxes neatly and nicely
in such a way that i can step back and say to myself,
“there. now isn't that better?”

the irony in all of this being,
of course,
that i am a follower of Jesus Christ...
and in most things
[all things?]
He calls me to something quite different.

things uncomfortable
and inexplicable,
things that don't follow logic
or have a “why” or a “how” to them
but just
are
because
He is.

and so in that cosmic battle between
my flesh
and
my soul
i feel a growing tension--
the beginning pains of
“things are not what they should be,
and it is time instead
for them to become what they ought to be”.

praise Jesus that sanctification is a process;
and not something that is expected to happen
overnight.
[because, well...
if it were,
i would have failed miserably.]

praise Jesus for grace--
and that the expectation is not that i will be
the woman that He created me to be
tomorrow
...but will be found faithful
in obedience and passion,
continually stepping in that direction.

praise Jesus for truth...
that i am justified by the blood of the Lamb,
that i am able to approach the throne of grace boldly,
that He who was and is...
will come again.

praise Jesus that i have not a clue
in which direction this little life of mine
is supposed to head...
but HE does,
and although i am currently a woman of little patience...

...through the journey,
He will be crafting me into a woman
with a peaceful and patient heart...
fully trusting that He knows the way,
even if He rarely lets me
[if ever]
take a glance at the map.

“for i decided to know nothing among you
except Jesus Christ
and him crucified.”-1 corinthians 2:2

funny how when i spend my time
focusing on the knowledge i DO have...
how much it calms my heart,
stretches my faith,
refocuses my perspective,
and convicts me
to place my hope
and my trust
[and my very little patience]
into the One
who is much bigger
and much more faithful
than i could ever hope to be.

reflections on the cross
spur on an understanding
that i cannot
save myself.

i am a woman of little patience.

apart from Jesus Christ,
i would continue to be a woman of little patience.

but through the power of
His blood
and the testimony that comes from a transformed life,
i will not always remain this way.

so here's to the lessons
and the growing pains
that, without a doubt,
i will associate with this season of life
later on down the road.

but may i be reminded
[and often]
of truth,
of what i DO know--
and allow it to calm my heart,
stretch my faith,
refresh my perspective,
and bring conviction...

and when i'm tempted to grow anxious
regarding what i DON'T know--
may i be confronted with the power of the crucifixion,
and humbled
that such a One
has chosen...

me.
[impatience and all].

xoxo.

[...invicta.]

it seems as though
my poor little heart has been shredded to pieces lately.
and just when i begin to wonder
if i can take any more of this thing called heartbreak...

i remember that

anything worth anything must come at a dear cost.

i want to be angry.
in fact, there's been a lot of that going on these days.

[that everything that can be shaken, would be.
and only those things which are firmly rooted
on an unshakeable foundation...
would remain]

i have a million questions,
or so it seems.
but He's big enough to handle them.

He is a good God.
He is sovereign.
He is just.

"I am God, the God of your father," he said. "do not be afraid to go down to egypt, for I will make you into a great nation there. I will go down to egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again." [genesis 46:3-4a]

He'll journey with me into the tough places...
and surely He will bring me back again.

xoxo.

...thoughts on the election of the president of the united states.

i've been silent for awhile.
i suppose mostly because
i have a tendency for speaking my mind
without thinking of the cost.

so recently, i've tried to take more time to listen
and to figure out where i stand before i spout off my mouth.
[this...this is showing growth.]

in a very slight amount of time
i am going to cast my absentee ballot
for president
of the united states of america.
for me, this is a weighty decision;
and not one i will make lightly.
i think it's okay for me to say honestly
that i don't know who i am voting for.
i have an idea...
but it's not concrete.
my mind is not made up.

in 2004, i voted republican.
i will readily admit to being exceptionally green politically;
and my decision was not well thought out or researched.
i was fresh out of high school,
and willing to take on the world with my horrifically uninformed ideas.
i don't regret my vote for george w. bush, really...
because i think i did the best with what i knew,
and what i was taught...
and...maybe i'm justifying.
but i was young, and opinionated...
and i've learned a thing or two in four years.

i've learned that i am young.
that i probably will never know all the answers,
mostly because i don't know that i'll ever even
know all of the questions.
...and thus, it becomes necessary for me to stop living
like i have it all figured out.

i don't have it all figured out.

i don't have the answers,
and i admit that oftentimes my opinions
can be based on hearsay rather than any concrete knowledge.

i've taken the time this election to sit back
and try to hear all of the angles.
take in everything...and try to make a more informed opinion...
cast a more knowledgable vote.

i still don't know who i'm voting for.

but i do know that the divisiveness this election has created
both in society at large
and among the christian community has been startling.

fingerpointing, name calling...a complete lack of respect
and uncalled for amounts of judgment have been thrown by all sides.
and that fact more than anything else scares me.
for all of the drama leading up to november fourth...
it worries me, really--
what will be the state of the country on november fifth?
what will be the state of the church?

i am an american, yes.
and as such, i take my responsibility and privilege
of voting very seriously.

however

i am a follower of Jesus Christ first and foremost,
and my allegiance lies with the Man Jesus
before it lies with any mortal man who has been elected into an earthly office.

i am called to pray for my leaders.
i am called to fall under the authority of their leadership.
and ultimately,
i will not answer to men--
i will bow my knee to the Lord and be held accountable
for what i did with my vote.

if my ultimate desire is to look like Christ,
what does that look like at the voting booth?

i don't know that Jesus would endorse a specific party,
let alone a specific candidate.
i don't know that Jesus would be a one-issue voter...
or even that He wouldn't be a one-issue voter.

if He said that the greatest commandment
is to
love God, and love His people...
isn't that how i should vote?

again, humor me...i'm just kind of typing my thoughts out.
i don't claim to have answers.
i DON'T have answers.

but maybe...
loving God and loving His people
looks different for all of us.
He desires obedience.
but does obedience have to look the same?

for some--
it will be voting for John McCain--
because he stands for the protection of the unborn...
and that is the cry of their hearts.

for others--
it will be voting for Barack Obama--
because he stands for change...
and that is what their hearts break for.

lastly...
some may vote third party--
because for them, the "lesser of two evils"
isn't good enough reason to cast a vote for either.

i don't pretend to know all of the reasoning
behind why people are voting for who they're voting for.
i doubt that i've heard all of the arguments
[although i feel as though i've heard many of them]

love God.
love His people.

and while it will feel as though you have accomplished something
on election day
when you place your vote in the ballot box--
please remember
that regardless of the outcome of the election

HE IS SOVEREIGN.
HE IS STILL ON THE THRONE.

and
HE
IS
GOOD.

may i not allow
my political opinions
to get in the way of the Gospel.
may i not allow
the outcome of the election
to overshadow the fact that
my hope is in Christ alone.

let me state that again:

my hope is
NOT IN A MAN.

my hope is
NOT IN A DEMOCRACY.

my hope is found in
JESUS CHRIST.

i don't think there is a
"christian candidate",
whatever that even is supposed to mean.
and i think above all,
His heart breaks at the way the Church has divided itself
over the election of a mere man.

i am not trying to trivialize this election,
please don't get me wrong.
i'm not attempting to spark debate.

i just think that in the midst of this incredible
"conversation"
our nation has found itself in--
that perhaps it is time
to pray.

for one another.
for our leaders.
for the outcome of this election...
for our country.
for change.

and to stake our hope
that when the sun comes up november fifth
[and the sun will indeed come up]
He will still be Lord.

yes&amen.

xoxo.

twenty two...and beyond.

i feel as though someone has stolen my words--
or perhaps its just that they remain locked tightly away
inside this little head of mine,
and i'm not quite sure how to let them out.

in any respect,
it has been awhile since i shared anything of consequence.

i suppose i just haven't really known what to say.

sometimes i feel as though the words within me
will burst out of my chest
if i don't release them right then,
right in that very instant.

other times, they swirl about within my head and my heart
and i find myself unable to determine
how to let them go free.

and then still there are other times,
much like right now,
in this very instant...
times in which you just need to begin.

begin by placing finger to keypad
and allowing whatever is inside of you
to come forth at whatever pace it so chooses.

i turned twenty-two on friday.

birthdays for me
can be bittersweet--
a time of reflection on the year of life that has just passed,
and of imagination for the year to come.

i am not promised to finish today.
i was not promised yesterday.
and i'm not promised tomorrow.

so for me to have marked twenty-two years
of days, moments, & memories
that i was not promised
and do not deserve...
pretty incredible, really.

and i start to wonder about the story of my life.
if someone were to write it,
what would they say?
what would be said about my character, my personality...
my passions, my heart...

my weaknesses, my shortcomings,
what i've accomplished in this life?

what have i accomplished in this life?
and does it even matter?

does it even...matter?

when i was younger, i believed that as i acquired years onto my age,
i would grow to be more mature,
have it more together,
and know more of the answers.

i have since come to realize
that as i acquire more years onto my age
i may mature
[although that is completely up to me],
having it all together is both
overrated
and completely misunderstood,
and that i know fewer answers now
than i thought i did then.

and somewhere along the way, that became okay.

i may know myself better now than i did then,
but i wouldn't say that i have learned all there is to know
about who i am,
who i was,
or who God has created me to be.

[i...am a work in progress]

but i think every day brings its own new little surprises...
about myself,
about Jesus,
about the people and the world around me
and how it all works and comes together in its own time
and its own way.

this short little twenty-two-year-old life of mine
has found itself in the middle of an incredible story--
His story--
and i haven't quite discovered my role yet,
or what contribution i am to hold in the way the story unfolds.

i'm just thankful i get to play a part.

so here's to new days,
new discoveries--
transformations,
renewals,
heartache and pain.
all of those things in life
that make it what it is,
have made me who i am today,
and continue to remind me
that this life, praise God, is bigger than me.

praise God that Jesus makes all things new...
and i?

i am a work in progress.

happy birthday to me.

xoxo.

i have nothing to say.

xoxo.